Loving hurts.

You know I just cannot explain in words how awful I’m feeling right now. Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve two pennies of love and care. I feel like shit. My mental health is fucked up & I can’t even tell anyone because people never understand. Not even try to. For once. I have adjusted all the time, I can’t now. It’s suffocating. I can’t breathe. I love my guy so much, even the fear of losing him gives me quakes but I get back nothing. Not even a reply. I wait for him for hours. And what I get back is ‘i was busy’. Am I this pathetic? Am I this unworthy? Am I this bad? Am I this miserable? Makes me question myself every time. Where did I go wrong? Is feeling and caring for someone is crime? I keep asking him, he never says anything. All of this makes it difficult to believe in him & trust him. It’s all breaking. He doesn’t even realises how hard I’m trying to hold ‘us’ together. Never does. I feel miserable. I wanna scream. I wanna cry cats and dogs. Am I this bad? Do I make people emotionally suffer? Is asking anyone to become mine is caging him? Makes me question again & again. What are we? Nothing? I’m a no one? So many questions, no answers. I have been feeling suicidal lately, I cannot explain how much courage it is taking to put myself together. I’m a failure in my personal life.